Mark Rosneck
President Trump: I want to thank all of the Congressional leadership for being here to deal with the Zombie Apocalypse Emergency. My proposal is that we deputize everyone with a gun and start blasting away and then . . . .
Nancy Pelosi: That’s not happening Mr. President. All of these zombies are citizens. I have the AFL/CIO calling to see whether they can all be unionized. That lovely young woman they call AOC keeps telling me that they’re just new recruits to socialism.
Chuck Schumer: I realize you’re just playing to your base, Mr. President, but Nancy I feel that part of the problem is that the zombies feel threatened. We should suspend gun rights until we understand zombie feelings and we do a focus group to see how many will vote Democrat.
President Trump: But Chuck! The zombies are eating people!
Chuck Schumer: I don’t think we should be too judgmental Mr. President.
President Trump: What do you think Mitch?
Mitch McConnell: Erah. . . ga . . .eek. . .snarl!
President Trump: Oops. Sorry. I forgot you turned into a zombie in 2018.
Kevin McCarthy: Mr. President, as House Minority Leader I think we should leave this mental health crisis in the hands of charities and non-profits.
President Trump: Good idea. Could you go get us some coffee and maybe a cinnamon roll? Take your time. I’ve asked Dr. Paul Ryan to join us and get his view.
Paul Ryan: Thank you Mr. President. I had a great idea a few years ago but never came up with a good acronym.
President Trump: What’s the idea Paul?
Paul Ryan: You wouldn’t understand.
President Trump: Thank you Paul. That was very helpful.
Secret Service Agent: Mr. President! There’s someone beating on the door of the Whitehouse screaming “fine people.”
President Trump: That’s just Jim Acosta. He’s insane so it’s hard to tell if he’s a zombie or not. Let me know if he eats Sarah Sanders face off so I can revoke his press pass again.
Nancy Pelosi: I think we need to get back to talking about the zombie apocalypse as a healthcare crisis. The real problem is that we don’t have pre-existing condition health insurance for zombieism.
President Trump: Nancy! They’re zombies and wouldn’t know how to use insurance if they had it. They just go around eating people.
Nancy Pelosi: And that’s because your healthcare policies haven’t allowed the open dialog we need in this country. We need universal healthcare for all zombies! We need to open up zombie insurance training centers all across the country, After all, it’s the middle class zombies that are hardest hit!
Chuck Schumer: And the children Nancy! Don’t forget the zombie children!
Nancy Pelosi: Especially the ones in college. They are our future!
President Trump: None of us will have a future unless we act today on this zombie emergency!
Nancy Pelosi: With due respect, Mr. President, we know you’re just doing this to buck up your failing administration. We have no intention of allowing you to profit from this Zombie Apocalypse!
President Trump: Mitch! Stop gnawing on Senator Schumer”s arm!
Mitch McConnell: I just want to remind everybody that this is an extraordinarily resilient country we live in.
President Trump: I like him better as a zombie.
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